Discouraged

Hey everyone,

Okay so things have been rough lately for me, as some may already know or have guessed from my last post. However, it's starting to get to the point where I'm actually letting everything get me down as bad as that is to admit. The thing is though, after all of the things which have happened to me lately, I've stuck through it all, trying my damnedest to work through it all and be the best person I can be and be the big man, but times like this I realize just how hard that can be.

In the last two months, I've had more interviews than anyone person should ever have in their entire life. Seriously, in the last three weeks alone I'm over ten interviews and counting with at least another two or three coming next week. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, minus the fact I don't interview well at all and never have. I prefer to let my work speak for itself, along with my background. Sitting in a chair with somewhere between ten minutes to just over an hour to explain why someone should hire me is something I hate with a passion. How can I show or explain how I work or go about in a situation without actually doing it or being in that situation? Seriously though, I wish that was the only thing, but of course with me like usual there is more.

I went and talked with a Recruiter for the military again recently, this time the Marines and as some know I hate the water so it was a very interesting talk I can assure you. Problem is in my recent workouts I noticed that my knee was doing a weird 'clicking' again, long story short I now have to go see a specialist some time in the next few weeks to have my knee looked at again since the guy who's worked on it two out of the three times already is at a loss as to why things keep messing up. That's fine though, yet again I could live if this was just another one of the problems I've done it before.

I've also seemed to have hit a brick wall with anything I was writing before things went south with my ex and I. I sat for over an hour the other day and tried and tried to write some on one of the stories which I feel is almost done at least for the first part and everything I wrote immediately met the backspace key. So I'm not sure, maybe I need to write some of the other stuff that's been rumbling through my head lately down first, though it's much much darker than I normally would go.

Lastly though, and this is the part I'm most upset about, is the fact I feel like I have little to no support system around me anymore. What I do have are friends who are there if it's a true emergency with some limitations, but others call themselves my friend, but it's one of those things where I barely ever hear from them and if I do, I'm the one to reach out or make the connection. I've never been a very outgoing person, ever, it's why I try to cherish every friend I have and will throw down anything and everything I may be doing at the drop of a hat if anyone of them ever asks me to do something. The thing is, right now, I know I'm in a dark place personally and I'm in need of people to talk to, but I'm afraid to reach out to anyone to a degree. Those who would help are too far away or too busy with their own lives, and those close are either too new a friend or too concerned with other things that I'd rather not bug them with all of this. I know I need to be strong and work through things, but the few people I used to talk with regularly have all moved on with their lives and I thought I was as well, but now I seem to be back behind square one while they're all the way past square twenty five. And it's rather depressing to be honest. Oh well, I guess it's just a massive need to have someone new to talk to who's willing to talk and get to know the real me and not what they've heard about the past me. Yes, I have a bit of a temper, yes quite a few people have seen it, but you know what? It's been months since I've let it loose and it's rather awe shocking to admit that. There was a time when I couldn't go a week without losing my cool even once. I've grown and matured to a high degree, but I now feel some what left in the dust since so many of my friends have moved on. And with that, having no job to bury myself into has left me scrambling to find things to occupy my time, energy and mind and I've cut my reading list in half already. So yeah, I dunno. If anyone has some advice, I'd appreciate it massively at this point. Even if it's something stupid, and we all know it. Alright though, it may be time to read or even write some of that darkish stuff I mentioned earlier down for a change and see where it goes and if it helps. Anyway late Blogger people.

Josh